“It’s simple to have sex. People do it regularly. In cars, in apartments, back alleys, drunk, sober, high, it’s easy to just take your clothes off and have sex with the person standing next to you. Making love however, is more than that. It’s opening yourself up to someone. It’s standing in front of them, as they peel away all your layers and you’re asking them if they’ll have you and keep you safe. Think of yourself as an envelope, you’re sealed most the time, so whose important enough to read the letter inside? Because that letter is full of your thoughts, fears and dreams. That’s what being naked really is. That’s what it feels like to be exposed. Don’t just give that away. Wait for the person whose going to read that letter, and never want to stop reading it.”
And I could not agree with this more than I do right at this moment.
Maybe it's because hookup culture disgusts me.
Maybe it's not my thing.
Maybe it's because I'm a hopeless romantic.
Just having sex with a stranger, or a person you met online puts anyone in a pretty vulnerable situation. The foundation of it is, you're naked in front of someone who doesn't know you and you don't know them. That's the area where I'm like... I kind of want to know who I'm taking my shirt off for. BUT I TOTALLY GET WHY PEOPLE DO IT. People have a rush sensation of sharing an intimate moment with a stranger. That's just not my cup of tea.
Then there's the whole friends with benefits. I don't go kissing my my friends or frolic in their bedrooms naked with them, male or female, despite what people might think. YES, I understand that THIS situation calls for a person that you have come to know over time and care and respect on some level, but it's not love you're expressing when you're having sex with your friend, it's just satisfying a pleasure that all of us crave. BUT...
THIS IS WHERE MY PROBLEM WITH HOOKING UP COMES INTO PLAY. When you have sex with anyone, stranger, friend, significant other, chemicals are released in your brain to the body telling you that it feels good, and in reaction the new chemicals in your brain are released, feeling attachment and love towards the other person, because they are making you feel good. But when you can't call or see the person who made you feel good, because the societal rules of hooking up say you can't or you have to wait because you don't want to seem needy or clingy, you become sad, angry, frustrated, annoyed, and/or anxious.
These chemicals that nobody has any control over travel through anyone who has sex. This is how feelings develop and how hearts get broken in hook up culture. In this culture, people can't communicate freely, the way they want.
THIS IS WHY I AM SO FRUSTRATED. I like going with what I feel, I've learned that in theatre school; follow impulses, listen to my gut. So when someone I like is around or takes me on a date or maybe even kisses me, these chemicals start releasing their way throughout my system and I want to spend time with this person because they make me feel good. Then my emotions start kicking in and I want to communicate to them how much like them and I want to spend my time with them... BUT I CAN'T.
Some people who hook up with others are use to satisfying their pleasurable cravings and then being let down, it's an easy roller coaster ride for them. Some are cool about it and don't care most of the time so it's just a walk through the park. But there are some people out there who don't see it as a walk through the park or even as a simple roller coaster, it's a terrifying plane ride where the pilot is no where on board the flight.
Hook up culture has created a huge stigma towards sharing feelings with one another. It was already unnerving to let someone know that you liked them before sex was even part of the equation, because even if your are not having sex with the person you like, it is always part of the equation; it's expected, assumed, anticipated, wondered, etc. But because it is and people can be more physically intimate with one another during these modern days, more chemicals are running through everyone's body and everyone is getting annoyed, frustrated, sad, etc.
Now some people love this culture; great! keep doing what you're doing, but just be aware that what you're doing is causing people to become frustrated. I'm in no way trying to condemn the actions of people, I'm simply just stating what I get from this hook up culture.
But for people like me who are having these chemicals running rampant, they're affecting gut decisions and impulses. There is nothing more relieving than communicating feelings that have built up over time. It's relieving just communicating what each individual wants, and actually being honest about what it is each wants... because its a waste of time and doesn't serve a purpose if someone just says what they think the other person wants to hear, or worse, trying to convince oneself to do something they don't want.
I think what modern technology has done to sex is wonderful. It's liberated women's sexuality and made sex safe for people around with world with contraceptives galore. But I'm not speaking on that.
Why I say 'HOLLA' to that comment I found on Tumblr is because sex at its base line is boring, its either just to procreate or to satisfy ones primal need to get off. But when you add the affected gut impulses and emotion to sex it becomes exciting and scary and wonderful. It's also not selfish anymore, its about the other person too. You can't just give your enveloped self for a stranger to open or a friend to peruse, it's just lame.
I don't like locking up feelings and what I have to say to please people or worrying that I'm letting an opportunity pass me by. I want someone that I admire, that I'm attracted to, to open my letter and in return open theirs.
Again, maybe it's because hookup culture disgusts me.
Maybe it's not my thing.
Maybe it's because I'm a hopeless romantic.
But in my world, what I'm going to do is wait for the person who wants to read my letter and who never wants to stop reading it. And it's ok for other people who want that too. Hook up culture is definitely not for everyone.
With (whole hearted, true emotion, not hiding it) love,
Lisa Alves
Check out my tumblr ---> http://laalvezz.tumblr.com/
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